Thursday, July 14, 2011

Bottle Blonde Black Women

Okay, seriously – what the fuck. Why? Can anybody tell me why?! It’s like a tank turret on top of a Prius, for fuck’s sake. It’s like a penguin wearing a firefighter outfit.

Does. Not. Work.

And aside from the fact that it looks aggressively artificial, and therefore fake, and therefore stupid… black women are beautiful. As they are. You’re not just embracing the unnatural, ladies, it’s like you’re running away from the real you.

That’s never attractive. Ever. Stop it.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

My cat thinks he’s a dog.

The little fucker barks at anybody who comes to the door. Well, not barks as in the sound, but the behavior. Anybody knocks at the door, he runs over to it and starts meowing at whoever it is. Let ‘em in and he meows and growls at ‘em for about a minute, then sniffs at ‘em, then starts wagging his tail and lickin’ ‘em.

My cat is insane.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Communists Hate The United States

They have a million names for themselves, but when you smell the stench of anti-American hatred, you know it’s a Communist you’re dealing with. If you want an example of about how subtle they tend to get, read any “weekly alternative” newspaper. Most of those are put out by the Village Voice Media.

The local version of the Red Rag here in north Tempe is the “Phoenix New Times.” Most seditious lump of shit you’ll ever lay your eyes on. Invariably – invariably – they defend illegal aliens to the detriment of American citizens.

It would be nice if they would at least come clean about their hatred toward Americans.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Just take off the blouse, take off the bra and show me them tits.

That’s my new approach to women. I don’t need a relationship. I don’t even want to stick my cock in your poon, because with sticking the cock into the poon comes all the psychological warfare that is a relationship.

I don’t need no goddamn relationship. I’ve got all the crazy my life can sustain all by myself, got no interest in adding your crazy to the mix. So just show me them titties, flash me some thigh, wiggle that ass and you know what we call that? A successful relationship. I saw your bouncin’ treasures, I got a good look at your hip grippers and there’s the highlights of everything from a one night stand to a 50 year marriage.

But without all the drama, without all the mindfuck and without all the lost time.

I are genius.


This the The Most Obnoxious Blog Ever. I'm going to say things in here. Horrible things. And you're going to read them, and then feel a sense of shame and regret for having read them.

But you'll come back. You'll always come back. Because this blog is a slow motion train wreck. I'm telling you that right up front. Nothing here is going to inspire or uplift you. Fuck that shit. I'm here to appeal to only your most base interests, only the most banal sense of humor and your sickest, most immature inner beast. I'm here to make Seth MacFarlane look like a goddamn parochial school nun.

So get your bibs on, you nasty little creatures. This boat might look like it's floating on a chocolate river, but I'm warning you right here and now: you're in the sewer. Don't come over here and puke on my shoes if you forget and take a big mouthful.